The day after Christmas I woke up with a familiar ache. My heart longed for my little girl and I spent the whole day in a funk. Nothing and no one made me happy. All I wanted to do was hide under my covers and cry.
This is the reality of child loss. Sometimes the grief catches up with you. I find this to be especially true after any big holiday or event. I am usually pretty genuinely happy on the actual day, but then the total sadness rushes over me like a wave and it’s enough to break me for a little while.
Overall our Christmas this year was great! We spent a lot of time as a family and with our loved ones. The boys are old enough to really be excited about it and that makes it even more special. But no matter what I never forget that we should have another kid squealing with delight. I am always acutely aware that her stocking shouldn’t be hanging empty on the mantle. Even Wyatt picked up on it more this year than ever before. He asked me over Christmas breakfast if we had forgotten to get his sissy a gift for her stocking. It’s heartbreaking to have to explain to your son once again that his sister is in heaven and while we have a stocking hung for her, we remember her in our thoughts, our words and with donations to OCF. Child loss is anything but fair.
Today my ache is a little bit less but it is still present. Sometimes the sadness hangs on only for a day and other times it clings to me for much longer. Child loss always brings forth some post holiday blues.
The Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research in memory of Olivia Caldwell, who passed away from brain cancer at 20 months old in November 2013. You can learn more and donate by visiting www.oliviacaldwellfoundation.org.