Waiting For Chaos

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Life has been filled with chaos for as long as I can remember. It all started shortly after we got married and made the move to Wyoming from Nevada. That move changed everything. We were newly married and left behind our family, friends, and everything we had ever known to move to a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere.

Shortly after our move we began treatment for infertility. After many ups and downs  I became pregnant only to find out the baby was in my tube. Then just a few short months later I became pregnant again with twins!

My pregnancy was rocky and the birth was terrifying due to severe preeclampsia and pulmonary edema. And then just as we were getting used to being first time parents x2 our 4 month old daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer. That began a whole other journey and learning curve that was filled with hospital stays, doctors visits, treatment, surgeries, MRI’s, and the list goes on and on. Our life was utter chaos! There was no landing point. No reprieve.

And then without any real warning, our beloved Olivia passed away just 5 days after she was put on hospice care. Then it was planning her funeral, discovering her twin Wyatt’s diabetes, beginning a new normal life, and starting the foundation in her memory. Still total, utter chaos.

These years have been truly insane. When I tell our story sometimes it feels like it can’t really be true. We have certainly been living in the fire for as long as I can remember. And after all this chaos I don’t know what to do when life starts to slow down. I just sit and anxiously wait for the chaos to begin again. For the next shoe to drop.  I wait in anxiety because I have no idea what it feels like to live in peace.

As our family heads into 2017 my greatest prayer is that we can leave the chaos behind. I pray we can finally find a real reprieve. A new normal that isn’t so chaotic. Life is messy and sometimes it is unbearable. But all I can do is throw my hands up and trust in Him to bring us through to the other side.

The Olivia Caldwell Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit that raises money for pediatric cancer research in memory of Olivia Caldwell, who passed away at 20 months old from brain cancer. You can learn more and donate at www.oliviacaldwellfoundation.org.

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One thought on “Waiting For Chaos

  1. Wow. I think it is great that you started a nonprofit to raise money for a cause so dear to your heart. I also think that blogging is a great way to help sort through thoughts. It certainly has been a comfort for me. You write beautifully while describing a very challenging time in your life. Best wishes for 2017. I pray that it is filled with peace and family.

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